I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
