He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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