she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
