im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
