I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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