How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
