I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
