I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
