Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
