he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
