I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
