The maid of honor just puked.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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