Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
