do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
