WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
