"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
