I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Randomize
