she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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