If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
