Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
