we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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