it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
