Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
