I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
