i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
