How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
