I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
