While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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