she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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