Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
