im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
