Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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