I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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