Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
