I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
two words...techno handjob
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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