I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
