ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
