u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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