how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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