Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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