i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
