...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
