that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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