My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
