I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
