I just threw up on my dentist
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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