I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
