I didn't shave. On purpose
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
