I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
