Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
