I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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