The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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