Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
